I never thought I would make a blog, but that’s exactly why I have one. Whenever I say I won’t do something, inevitably I do it (e.g. “I’ll never be a teacher! They don’t get paid nearly enough for what they have to do.”) Of course, I ended up teaching for 8 years before becoming a school librarian. I wanted to keep teaching, but I can’t work 60 hours a week anymore. Now I just work 45-50, but that’s an improvement, and I still get to work with teenagers. Call me a masochist, but I like how they’re so naive but think they know everything.
Anyway, why did I start this blog? Quite simply, I’m doing it for myself. I keep meaning to start a journal, but I never do. I like technology, so maybe I’ll be more likely to record my thoughts this way. I’m going through a difficult time right now, and I need to sort out some stuff, but I don’t really feel like going to a therapist who can’t possibly understand what I’m feeling no matter how much training he or she has received. I just need to vent. So if you’re reading this, please don’t be critical. This blog is for ME. I’m not out to impress anyone with deep thoughts, words of wisdom, or humorous quips. As Han Solo said, “I’m not in it for you, Princess.”
So why, you may ask, is this woman acting so selfishly? Well, reader, I have lupus and dermatomyositis, and I think I have the right to be a bit selfish at the moment. I have to acknowledge that I’m very blessed that I don’t have internal organ involvement. I just have a lot of pain and fatigue, hives, and occasional swelling in my head behind my left cheek bone. I’m 37 and I’ve been dealing with this for almost half my life, and it seems to be getting worse as I get older. I’ve tried all sorts of drugs over the last few years (Mobic, Methotrexate, Immuran, Cellcept) since the Plaquenil stopped doing much, and the side effects of all of them outweigh the benefits. Tuesday is my first IV IG treatment. I will have immunoglobulin from over 1000 people dripped into my vein. I’ve really struggled with this decision since my doctor told me I should have it done. I feel like I don’t deserve it, especially since I heard that there will probably be shortages soon since it’s being used more and more for off-label use. Why couldn’t God just take me and let somebody else have the treatment? If it were 50 years ago, I’d be dead, but here I am stretching out my life out as far as I can. Forgive me but I like book and movie quotes, and I keep finding myself identifying with Bilbo Baggins when he said, ” I feel… thin. Sort of stretched, like… butter scraped over too much bread.” I feel the need to point out here that I’m not suicidal, reader. I’d never kill myself because I don’t support that decision. There’s a difference between being ready to go and taking yourself out of the world. I’m just REALLY REALLY tired. I know I make a difference in the lives of others (blah blah blah), but I’m SO SOOOOO tired. Ever stay up all night? That’s how I feel most days even if I’ve slept 10-12 hours. Having achy joints and muscles all day like an 80-year-old doesn’t help either. And that brings me to the title of this blog…God’s Grace is Sufficient. St. Augustine struggled with some unnamed burden and prayed God would remove it. God’s answer was “My grace is sufficient.” St. Augustine had found this quote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 which states, “”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” I am definitely nowhere near ready to “delight in weaknesses, etc.” but I suppose for now…God’s grace is sufficient.