I’m currently reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and even though I’ve only read two chapters, it’s making an impact on me. In the first chapter, Chan discusses the awesomeness of God and how we tend to get into a rut with our praying which has certainly been true for me. I don’t say rote prayers like I used to when I belonged to a certain major religion, but I don’t think I go to God as humbly and full of awe as I should, so I definitely need to work on that.

The second chapter is about living life as though we may die soon, and I realize that this has been a point of contention for me. I think I do appreciate life and the beauty in the world more than most other people because my infirmities make me realize that I could very well die soon. In the past couple of months, I had a terrible stomach virus that landed me in the hospital with dehydration as well as a bad respiratory infection and bronchitis. Between the two, I’ve lost ten pounds without even trying, including the five pounds I’ve been trying to lose since the holidays! At least my clothes aren’t tight like they were. Gotta look at the bright side of life, right?

Anyway, I’m caught in this dilemma…live life as though I won’t be around long or keep on living life in general engaging in behaviors that distract me from being centered on God. We’re put on earth by God and for God, but I haven’t yet figured out what God expects from me personally. Sometimes, I wish I could just take my husband and my dogs out into the wilderness away from everything and everyone else. I want to lie in a clearing and look up at thousands of stars instead of being stuck here in the city, staring up at a muddy sky crisscrossed by airplanes while I hear cars zooming down the nearby highway, everyone racing to something completely inconsequential.

I think I need to get away soon, but that’s not going to happen due to all my obligations, but in the meantime, I’m thinking I should watch less TV, listen to softer music, get back to reading the bible, and try to pray with more sincerity and gratitude for the life that I do have. I guess I’ll see where that gets me for now.

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