It Is What It Is

It’s a new year, and I find myself blessed with time for reflection, mainly because my right leg is in a cast from just below the knee to my toes, so I’m not able to get out much right now. When I was put under anesthesia last Thursday to remove a bone spur on the back of my right ankle, I was under the impression that I would only have on a cast on my leg for three weeks before being put in a boot. After my surgery, my friend who was with me let me know that due to cartilage damage the orthopedic surgeon discovered, my leg would be in a cast for eight weeks instead of three. The research I’ve done since then has revealed that R.A. can cause far more than just inflammation in the joints. Apparently, it can affect tendons and enthesis (the tissue that connects the tendons to the joints). RA can also cause cartilage damage.

Fortunately, over the past year, I’ve been studying ( and trying to practice) stoicism, and it’s helped me to look at life through a different lens. Stoicism isn’t a religion and it isn’t about shutting off one’s emotions; it’s about examining and experiencing life more rationally and being more disciplined. One of my favorite quotes is from Epictetus, one of the most famous of the ancient stoics who said, “It’s not things that upset us, but our judgement about things.” This was later reiterated by Shakespeare who said through his character Hamlet, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. Thus, I could be lying on my bed crying my eyes out right now because I have this heavy cast on my leg and can’t get around easily, take a shower, walk my dogs, ride my bike, or drive, but I’m choosing to focus on the positives in this situation instead. A hundred years ago, a doctor probably wouldn’t operate due to the risk of infection (antibiotics weren’t invented until 1928), so I would continue to be in pain, limping around for who knows how long. Additionally, this cast gives me more time to sit, read, and reflect…as well as write (as you can see). I also hope to have more compassion for others when they go through a similar experience. I had no idea before how cumbersome a cast is

It’s not just studying stoicism that has helped me to become more mentally resilient, however. I’ve read some outstanding books recently that have helped me to focus on the positive and not be overwhelmed with fear. The Light We Give by Simran Jeet Singh is an autobiography of a Sikh born in raised in Texas and his experiences living in the U.S. after 9/11 and how he was able to use Sikh teachings to deal with difficult circumstances in his life. Then, just before Christmas, I read The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, a collaboration between the Dalai Lama and the Reverend Desmond Tutu, two men who have lived long lives and learned great wisdom along the way. Life is full of suffering, but we can view at our suffering as learning opportunities instead of being filled with anxiety and anguish. One quote from the book which I keep telling myself since the surgery is, “This, too, shall pass.” Finally, I just finished The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery by Brianna Wiest which did a pretty good job of showing how our past experiences can shape our present attitudes and behaviors and how we can overcome our past and improve our emotional intelligence.

One more book you might want to check out is my new journal, available on Amazon in paperback and hardback formats: Growth & Gratitude: 365 Day Journal. Each page has an insightful or humorous quote at the top as well as space for you to record the date, your daily goals, three things for which you’re grateful, good things that happened that day, and a personal reflection. I even included a bonus page for leap years! Please excuse me for the shameless plug, but I have medical bills to pay. 😊

Rheumatoid Arthritis Fatigue

I never understood how tired one could become until I developed an autoimmune disease. Unfortunately, no one can really understand this kind of fatigue unless they’ve experienced it. To me, it usually hits around the middle of the afternoon, and I feel the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball on the floor no matter where I am. It can even feel like having the flu, but without the head, chest, or digestive issues that accompany it…just achiness and horrible exhaustion. That’s really the best way to describe it.

I suspect I’ll be feeling this fatigue over the next week, the last week of school. I am the sole librarian for over 3,700 teenagers, and the last week of school is always hectic because so many students wait until the last week to return books or pay for them. I’ll also have teachers returning dusty, grimy equipment as well as books and checking out books for summer book studies. I already know from experience that I will be coming home exhausted, will eat a light supper of soup or cereal, and will go to bed early.

A few minutes ago I was talking to a friend of mine who is a teacher in a nearby school district. She wants to get together this week for dinner, and I told her I’ll probably be too tired, but she didn’t seem to understand and kept trying to talk me into it. She’s thinking that eating dinner is a social activity involving sitting down and enjoying delicious food. How could anyone be too tired? What she doesn’t understand is that I’ll be exhausted, which means I won’t have much of an appetite and will not be good company. Ever see a small child who doesn’t get her nap and then is moody and emotional? That’s me. I don’t throw a tantrum. I just sit there feeling awful and miserable, wishing more than anything that I could just go home and curl up in bed. Instead I’ll just sit there while she asks every few minutes, “Are you okay?” or “Are you sure you’re okay? I’ve tried to explain how it feels to her, but it’s not sinking in.

Our conversation earlier reminded me of a letter that a friend of mine with Lupus gave me a long time ago when I had Lupus. She said it helped her to explain Lupus fatigue to others and might help me as well since, at the time, I had Lupus as well. (I had Lupus throughout my twenties before I went into remission at 32, but now I have the same bone-deep fatigue with RA that I had with Lupus.) Unfortunately, no author was mentioned on this piece of paper, and I have been unable to find it on the Internet, or I would happily give credit where credit is due. It looks hand-typed, pre-dates the Internet, and it’s obvious that it’s a copy of a copy of a copy. I tried to find something similar online to share with my friend and couldn’t find anything except for a couple of videos of people with RA trying to explain their fatigue and doctor videos/articles trying to explain RA fatigue, so I’m sharing this letter below which I’ve adapted for RA. Feel free to use it to educate others. Be assertive, but always “speak the truth in love”. If someone doesn’t want to accept your limitations and acts like you’re faking it, you’re better off without them. Consider joining a support group and getting to know others who understand your condition.

____________________________________________

Dear Friend,

There are times when it is difficult to speak about the way that Rheumatoid Arthritis sometimes affects me, so I have taken this way to explain. 

When you see me, please let me know you are glad to see me, it boosts my spirits so much!

If I’ve changed my appearance due to medication or any other reason, remember that I am still me. Some medications can cause weight gain or weight loss.

If you have a question about Rheumatoid Arthritis, please ask me. I’m happy to share information with you.

Be aware that there is an emotional component to this disease and that I may be more susceptible to mood swings or feeling sad. Loss of mobility and fatigue can have these effects.

Your image of me is often reflected in your eyes. I know it might be hard to do, but I don’t wan to sense that they hold pity.

I do not mean to be a “complainer”, but there are times when I need to talk with you and your patience in listening and trying to understand will often help me through a difficult period.

Even though I may look very healthy, I may be experiencing pain and intense fatigue. This can make coping much more difficult. Rheumatoid Arthritis is a systemic disease that doesn’t just affect the joints but can cause inflammation in other tissues and organs in the body. Doctors suspect this may cause the overwhelming fatigue that most people with Rheumatoid Arthritis experience.

Being healthy and having RA is like the difference between having a new phone with a new battery and an old phone with an old battery that can’t keep its charge as long.

There will be times when I plan to be with you and have to change my plans due to a flare up of my condition or difficulty sleeping. Please understand that I do not mean to hurt you or disappoint you. I have no other choice.

If you notice that my attitude is changing, please know that I am sorry and do not mean to be grumpy or hurtful. I just get overwhelmed and exhausted which can make relationships difficult. Please communicate with me how you feel. I’m interested in your well-being also.

If you would like to make a suggestion to me or help me cope somewhat better,  please know that I am grateful for your warmth, your steadfastness, and the very presence of your friendship. It means so much to me!

Photo by Thea Hdc on Unsplash

Gathering Rosebuds

I encountered multiple situations this week that have me thinking about what my life will be like when I’m older. On Wednesday, I talked to a friend in her early 70s who’s still working and whose to-do list for remodeling her house keeps growing so that it seems she’ll never be able to retire. Every year, she says she thinks she might retire that year, and then another year goes by. I think she’s mentioned “retiring this year” every year for the past seven years at least. When I mentioned to her that she might be happier if she retired so she could travel more or visit family, she said, “Actually, the older I get, the more I think we’re not supposed to be happy in this life, but we’re supposed to do all we can and then be happy in the next life.” This is not a new idea. It was a view commonly held by many Americans before the 1920s going back to the Puritans. The idea of being happy in this life is a pretty new one in the Western world though no one has personally said this to me, so it had me thinking.

Then yesterday afternoon, I went to visit a woman in the nursing home who is in her 70s, has mild Dementia, and has struggled with depression quite a bit. I believe she was a stay-at-home mother and wife for many years, and she is now a widow. When I arrived, she was sitting at a table by herself in the common room, and her eyes were damp. She said she’d had Covid recently and didn’t feel well. She didn’t have much to say and seemed very down. I asked her about Bingo and about her new grandbaby, but nothing seemed to cheer her up. Finally, a physical therapist came to take her to her PT session. She struggled to get up and then shakily pushed her walker along the hallway toward the PT room. I saw no shred of hope inside of her; it felt like she’d given up. I felt terrible for her, and she’s weighed heavily on my mind ever since.

Today, I had dinner with a couple of friends who are in their late 70s and love to go on trips, eat out regularly, and spend a great deal of time with friends and family. They are very kind, and they’re Christian just as the women are above, but while the husband still goes to church on some Sundays, the other “stays home to worship”. Often, she makes food for others. They are sort of the parents of our neighborhood, and you can often see them on their front porch visiting with others. People come to them for advise or to vent or to eat a great meal in their cozy kitchen.

I can’t help but think about the difference between these older people and wonder what my life will be like when I’m older. Viktor Frankl wrote about the importance of having a purpose in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. Many men with whom he was imprisoned in Nazi Germany had no purpose and lost hope. Those who had a purpose for living fared much better. So it seems to me that it’s important to try to maintain a sense of purpose in some good and loving way whether through one’s work, hobbies, or relationships.

For me, I need a strong sense of purpose; however, I also need time to rest and relax, especially outdoors. I also need solitude on a regular basis. If I work a lot with no respite, or if I don’t get out and enjoy nature, it takes its toll on me. Robert Herrick wrote in his poem “To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time” that you should “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,” an assertion to enjoy life before one is too old to do so, and I can’t help but agree. Right after I had cancer, I told myself that I’ve got to stop putting off things until retirement, and I did a pretty good job of that for a time, but I seem to have forgotten that lately, and I intend to change that. That’s why I’m planning a camping trip for this spring as well as some hiking this summer.

I truly think that God is okay with us finding happiness as long as we follow his two greatest commandments, avoid sin as much as we can, and show true repentance when we’ve done wrong. If God is truly a loving father, how could he expect us to live a lifetime with no happiness?

Photo by PPD on Pixnio

Like a Rock amidst the Waves

It’s the end of the year, a time for reflection. Typically, during the last week or so of the year, I consider things that happened over the past few months (the good and the bad) and how I could’ve done better. I also think of how I would like to change things going forward, and an interesting thing happened this past Monday which helped me in this reflection process. As I sat on a plane getting ready to journey to my sister’s house in another state, the pilot announced over the intercom that they were having trouble getting the cockpit door closed and had contacted maintenance. We were also informed that it would be okay to use our phones. The young man behind me immediately called someone and started complaining about these “large companies” and how “they can do anything they want and get away with it”. He sprinkled in some foul language in the process which was unfortunate since I could also hear a toddler somewhere nearby asking his father repeatedly, “When is the plane going to fly, daddy?”

A few minutes passed, and the pilot came of the intercom again to state that maintenance had not arrived yet, but they expected someone soon, and he thanked us for our patience. This did not go over well with the man behind me who relayed the update to the person on the phone. He only became angrier when the pilot came back on shortly later to inform us that the door couldn’t easily be fixed, and we would need to deplane. The man behind me let the person on the phone know exactly what he thought of that, and he “might as well just head home and wait” since the flight was going to be cancelled. The anger was rolling off him. He was absolutely seething. If he were really paying attention, however, he would’ve heard the pilot go on to state that we should wait near the gate for further information. Instead, when he left the plane, still on the phone, he stormed off. Ten minutes later, the lady working the gate, informed us that they could get us on a plane at the next gate. Those of us who remained went to the next gate, immediately got on a plane that had just deplaned, and we were on our way…without the angry man who had sat behind us on the first plane. The stewardess counted people on the plane once and then on her second pass, I informed her that the man sitting behind us had not gotten back on the plane, and that he’d been pretty upset. She thanked me, and we were off after a couple more minutes.

As I pondered this situation on the flight, I wondered to myself…how many times have I let my emotions control me, leading me to commit rash actions? When was the last time? I hate to admit it, but it wasn’t long ago. In my case, my anxiety had caused me to imagine the worst, and I ended up questioning the person which probably made me come across as rather insecure or paranoid. I thought about other times further back where I had acted from an overabundance of emotion. It’s human to experience emotions, but effectively handling those emotions is important to being successful in so many facets of our lives from our relationships to our careers.

This past year was a stressful one. I’m a school librarian, and it feels as though we’re all under a microscope right now. I received a bit of hate mail this past year from a supposed parent though she chose to remain anonymous, and seeing what other librarians are going through has caused me a bit of stress, so much so that I’ve been seriously considering a change in career, but then I think about all the wonderful experiences I’ve had with students, other faculty, and supportive parents, and I realize that I’ve focused so much on the bad experiences or things that COULD happen, magnifying them into catastrophes, that it’s made it difficult for me to enjoy my career and life in general.

So what to do about this? Fortunately, I came across a quote this week from Marcus Aurelius, one of the great stoics, who wrote, “You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.” I REALLY needed to read this as it was not only an important reminder, but it got me to thinking about stoic philosophy again. Unfortunately, though I’ve read the letters of Seneca, another stoic, I never really put stoicism in practice. I would think, “Oh, that’s nice. I need to remember that.” As I did some reading up on stoicism this week, one website stated that it’s not just good enough to say you’re going to try to be more of a stoic or occasionally read stoic philosophy. You have to reflect on it each day. The great stoics also journaled each day, reflecting on the day’s happenings and looking ahead to the next day’s events. In the past, when I’ve tried to journal, it’s never worked for me. I treated journaling more like a diary, and I found my entries repetitive, so I’ve decided to start reading journaling with a focus on the various tenets of stoicism, starting with the first one which is differentiating between what I can control and what I cannot since this is extremely difficult for me.

Keep in mind that stoicism is a philosophy, not a religion, so I’m recommitting myself to reading from the bible each day as well. I will not be setting any other personal goals this year except for trying to eat healthier and do some light exercise each day, even if it’s just going for a short walk.

Wishing you great peace and joy in the coming new year!

Standing Up Against Hate

In the past few weeks, we’ve witnessed a famous musician, Kanye West, use antisemitic speech both in interviews and on social media even though he, himself, is a member of a minority and should realize how dangerous hate speech is to the group to which it’s directed. In fact, in one recent interview, he wore a full black mask over his face (apparently oblivious to the irony that KKK members used to hide their faces as well), and he appeared with a bible next to him (which he obviously didn’t read or he would know that Jesus commanded people to love their neighbors as themselves). And I’m guessing that when he said he likes Hitler and loves Nazis, he didn’t realize that Hitler and the Nazis persecuted many Black Germans.

Worse, a former president of the United States, Donald Trump, recently dined with Kanye West and with Nick Fuentes, a man who has also made antisemitic comments and is a self-avowed white supremacist. And this type of hate and condoning of hate is not just a thing in the U.S. The far-right head of a group that was just arrested for plotting a coup in Germany has given speeches in which he has advanced antisemitic conspiracies. In fact, antisemitic speech and crimes against Jewish people have dramatically increased in the United States and around the world in just the past couple of years. I never would’ve thought events such as these would happen in my lifetime, but with so many Holocaust survivors and World War II veterans now deceased, I suppose I should not be surprised. My father who fought in Germany and whose unit liberated a concentration camp would be shocked and horrified by what is taking place.

So what should we as average citizens do? Should we ignore these events and simply hope that antisemitism goes away? No, we cannot! History tells that doing nothing not only condones this type of behavior but also encourages it. For instance, when we examine what happened during the rise of antisemitism in the 1930s in Germany, we find that few people were outspoken and most merely shrugged their shoulders, so people silently communicated to Hitler that this type of speech and his persecution were okay. Subsequently, he continued and escalated his persecution.

Thankfully, many people have publicly condemned Trump for dining with antisemites, so much so that on the following weekend, Trump was extremely vocal on social media stating that he didn’t really invite Kanye so much as allow him to come when he asked to come over, and he said he didn’t know the other person or that this other person was antisemitic. In fact, he posted this on his social media feed several times in one day. The man “doth protest too much, methinks”, but I would assert that if leaders in his own party such as Mitch McConnell had not condemned his actions, he would not have gone on social media to make excuses and attempt to distance himself from these two people.

It can’t just be politicians that speak out against this type of hate, though, and it can’t just be celebrities. We have ALL got to stand up against hate directed at anyone because hate speech leads to hate crimes. We need to report hate speech online and inform people we know that it’s not okay to use it. Even stereotyping in jokes and cartoons is not acceptable in a civilized society because it can lead to hate. Peer pressure is a powerful force. Use it! If we don’t let antisemites, racists, ableists, xenophobes, and sexists know that what they’re doing is wrong, we become part of the problem and are complicit. We also shouldn’t vote for people who use hate speech, nor should we vote for those who are endorsed by people who use hate speech. Let’s not give white supremacists and others who use hate speech more power than they already have.

And if you’re a Christian, it is especially important that you speak up. Hate speech is diametrically opposed to the teachings of Jesus Christ. We are ALL children of God, and Jesus instructed us to love everyone as we love ourselves (Matthew 22: 35-40). That’s why He followed up that command by telling a fellow Jew a parable in which he demonstrated that even Samaritans, who were typically despised by Jews, are also neighbors. The world is one big neighborhood, and we can’t buy into the the fear and the hate promoted by people in positions of power or those with large platforms. We can’t just shake our heads and hope things improve; we have to speak out before it’s too late!

A Dream Realized

For the past seven years, I’ve been writing a book, a fictional novel about a young woman named Abigail who becomes stranded in a snowstorm and is forced to take a hard look at her life and her priorities. It’s something that I’ve been forced to do in my own life though the storms I faced weren’t literal but figurative, and fortunately, I’ve had amazing women in my life to mentor me, women who are reflected in the other main character in this book.

If you’re looking for an inspirational read, please consider purchasing my book A Home in Providence. It’s available on Amazon in ebook and paperback formats. To order or to read the first few pages, click HERE.

After

I see the gray tabby cat,

hunched, 

cautious, 

slinking across the field.

She falters, a limp in her step as she enters the yard,

stops for a moment to crouch,

but not as the hunter, no –

not as the hunter she was.

Eyes half slits, she checks her whiskers with her tongue

before carefully crossing the shady patch under the mammoth oak

which has stood for decades before either she or I entered the world.

She picks her way around the twisted branch that fell in last week’s storm,

comes to the center of the yard,

lowers herself onto the bright green bermuda grass

awash in the light of the summer sun.

She stretches onto her side.

flicks the tip of her tail.

Her fur is damp, a splash of red on her ruffled coat,

so she sets about doing 

that which she knows must be done.

She licks, 

cleans – 

preens for a time –

meticulous in her task.

Then she lifts her head to gaze upon the field

from which she came.

The Power of Now

Normally, at the end of December, I write a reflection on the year that I just had, but I’ve just read a book I would rather share instead, a book that encourages readers to focus on the Now, not the past and not the future. In The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle, the author’s main point is that we should focus on the present and enjoy it or accept it as it is because we spend so much time focusing on the past (which often leads to feelings of guilt, regret, or resentment) or the future (which can cause worry or ambitious thoughts).

Although this isn’t a religious book per se, the author does mention God and even quotes Jesus many times in it though he points out that the term God tends to summon ideas that may not be accurate or which have been used to manipulate people (e.g. the angry god of the old testament). He reminds us that God said, “I am who am”, and in fact, the Hebrews referred to God as Yahweh which translates to “I am”. This supports Tolle’s belief that we should focus on God as Being. Tolle occasionally will quote other religious figures or texts such as Buddha or the Tao Te Ching, but these are done to support the ideas that he expresses about living in the present. At one point he quotes the Gospel of Thomas which is widely regarded as a gnostic text, but this one quote reinforces ideas found in the canonical bible.

This book, at its heart, is not a theology book though. It is a guide for living and finding inner peace. There are spiritual practices that help one focus on the present and just being, letting go of the past, forgiving others and accepting them as they are, and experiencing joy (not just happiness) in this world. We don’t let life’s difficulties or illnesses define us. In living in the Now, we allow ourselves to focus on silence and space, let go of time, and allow life’s struggles to bring us closer to a state of enlightenment in which we truly feel like we are in God, as God is in us.

Yesterday, as I sat on my back porch, the weather was unseasonably warm and absolutely perfect. The sun was out, a gentle breeze was blowing, and a couple of butterflies fluttered around occasionally landing on the grass where they would languidly flap their wings. I chose to just be in that moment and to be aware of everything happening around me, and it gave me a great sense of peace. I intend to hold onto that peace for as long as I possibly can. I hope that you, too, will also find peace.

Photo by Artem Sapegin on Unsplash

Three Women

I’d been feeling a bit hopeless this time a week ago. At times, I feel so out-of-place in this world, and this was definitely one of those occasions. It had been a hard week, and I’d been thinking a lot about how mean people can be toward others. It was Friday afternoon, and I decided to go to Cane’s Chicken and then to Half Price Books. On my way home, I was stopped at a red light. There was a white van in front of me and next to it, there was an elderly, gaunt man in a wheelchair with only one leg. It was 97 degrees, and the heat index was 104. The light turned green, and I pulled up alongside him and handed him some money with a quick, “God bless you.” At that moment a woman in a fairly new white SUV used her horn to let me know she was unhappy with my decision to either stop or give the man money. She then whipped around me, gave me a dirty look, and flipped me off.

This was rather upsetting for me, and I was disturbed that someone could be in that much of a hurry and could be so callous. I prayed that God would open her heart and teach her compassion. I was still troubled by her behavior the next day when I went to a department store. The woman in front of me stopped and held the door for me and said, “Here ma’am, you go first.” I thanked her and when I reached the second set of doors, I opened one and gestured for her to enter, saying, “Please, let me return the favor,” and she thanked me in return. I immediately thought of the other woman from the previous night and the difference in their behaviors – one in a hurry, not generous with her time, rude. The other woman took the time to kindly hold the door for me and allow me to pass her.

I like to think God put the second woman in my path to comfort me in my distress about the first. and to remind me that even though there is so much hate and evil in this world, there is also love. Though there are people willing to be cruel to strangers, there are also those who are kind. There are those who are always in a hurry, frantic to get to their destination as soon as possible, but there are those who still take the time to show kindness. It’s important to keep reminding ourselves that there is still goodness in this world though we may not see it as often as we would like, and it’s important to decide each day how we will treat others, no matter what turmoil we are facing.

Finally, there was a third woman with whom I had an interesting encounter last weekend. When I went into Walgreens after going to the department store, the friendly cashier behind the counter had the following quote tattooed on the underside of her forearm. Make of it what you will…chance coincidence or a well-timed message, but as for me, I’m going to hold onto hope.

John, Molly. “I Know the Plans I Have for You.” Flikr. October 10, 2010. Some rights reserved. https://www.flickr.com/photos/spessertme/6936150167

Cicada Song

Behind veils of dappled green leaves

on Oak and Ash and Elm,

long rattles and buzzes slowly emerge

first one, 

then another, 

and a third.

Separately, they sing their rounds,

different and yet the same,

overlapping in waves across the withering field,

rising through solid summer air, thick with heat, 

stretching toward tufted clouds amidst the sea-blue sky, 

the birds silent

as the singers perform their parts

before joining together in a single sustained note –

a glorious crescendo. 

The sound slowly fades –

a pause for several beats –

before the song at last repeats.

Image by parlansky from Pixabay